Hip and Homeless (manimalogy) wrote,
Hip and Homeless

In Your Honor I'm Going To Cut That Man In Half

I have a couple of papers due tomorrow, which is exactly why I'm not doing them. Instead I'm stalking Robert Pattinson via the interwebs. Actually, I have something to write that I think he needs to see.

Dear Rob (or Spunk, as you seem to be sometimes called),

Yes, you are terribly attractive; however, do put a little less effort into looking very well sexed in the extremely recent past. Every picture of you is all bed-tumbled hair, mouth teasingly agape, and shirt unbuttoned to a level that only fat sexual predators have previously dared to don in public. We won't forget that you are a beautiful person if you stop throwing it in our faces. Fear not, pretty lad, there will always be creepy middle aged women and tweens to drool over you.

A Concerned Fan

Besides that, life is much the same as always. We carved pumpkins this weekend! While drinking pumpkin ale! My life is so October I could just spit. I drank delicious hot cocoa this morning on my walk home from Roman's. It really was just melted chocolate; I felt like an Aztec elite.

I have an Italian composition to write, and another paper for Samons on how the Argives were organized as a polis in books 1 & 2 of the Iliad. It feels like such an intro level assignment that I can't even make myself do it. I'm going to take the GREs on the 13th, which is slightly terrifying. I'm almost a person! I filled out my absentee ballot today, too. Making my voice heard! Maybe I'll give up the academic pursuit and run off to become a sex columnist. I'm seriously considering it. I could be the straight, female version of Savage.

Also, Elvis Costello is currently working with Fall Out Boy. Because me preaching at people who will never hear me seems to be the theme, a second letter to the editor.

My Dearest Declan,

Look, mister, I love you. Really, I do, but you're getting carried away with these collaborations. Your duet with Jenny Lewis is incredible. I'm listening to it right now. I listen to it almost everyday. I don't think the same is going to happen with this FoB business. It was sort of funny when you showed up out of nowhere in Talladega Nights, and I really do think that you've had way too impressive a career for you to seriously jeopardize your title as "Coolest Person To Have Ever Lived, without a Doubt," but don't push it. Nobody wants to see you lose that. But, goddamnit, I'll take it away if this continues. Don't test me!

etc etc
Tags: "haunted happenings", elvis costello, letters to the editor, robert pattinson

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